#and tbh they stopped replying a few months ago bc a lot of stress came down on them but i hit them up and now we're chatting and gah

[stories-you-wont-hear]

– four seasons. | storm

hello friends! this is the second installment of the four seasons mini-series ft. billy russo. i really like y/n and maria’s friendship and tbh they end up getting more time together than the reader and billy but IT’S FINE BY ME! i love reading your comments on this, esp bc it’s pre-anvil billy who is a precious sweetheart.

pls enjoy, and as always, leave lots of love! xoxo mira

tag list: shameless-pope  bellastellaluna  the-scarletsandwich @its-my-little-dumpster-fire

“Mom!” Lisa bellowed, nearly knocking you out as she ran into the kitchen. “Daughter?” Maria called, not moving from her position as her child stood with her hands on her hips staring her down. “Frank keeps taking my headphones! Tell him to stop,” Lisa said, her anger apparent in her tone. “Frank. Stop.” Maria deadpanned, taking a sip from her cup of coffee. You couldn’t help but snort in response to Maria, and Lisa shot you a look of pure hatred for it. 

“Mom!” Lisa cried again, this time dropping her arms as she whined. Maria sighed as she shook her head, “Look, you two need to learn how to sort this out amongst yourselves. I’m not a mediator.” “But you’re our mom,” Lisa exasperated. “And I certainly don’t get paid enough for it,” Maria shot back, her hands cupping her cup of coffee. You cut in, wanting to keep Maria’s stress to a minimum. It had been two months since Frank, and Billy, had left and Maria had been handling the kids on her own.

It was nothing she hadn’t done before, but you knew it was never easy. “Lisa,” you called, “Leave your poor mom alone. I’ll take you shopping on Black Friday for new ones.” Maria rolled her eyes behind Lisa, but the kid was satisfied. She left the kitchen with her mood having taken a complete 180. “I birthed them, feed them, keep a roof over their heads, but alas! It’s Aunt Y/N this, Aunt Y/N that,” Maria sighed. You laughed, your hands cupping your own cup of coffee as you looked over at your friend. “Hey, Black Friday shopping is pretty much the equivalent of going into a warzone,” you called back. Maria held a hand up in surrender, “Touche. I’d never do it.” You nodded, giving her a pointed look, “Yeah, you just shop on Monday from your computer like a coward.”

“Better a wise coward than a foolish knight,” Maria said pointedly, moving to wash out her empty cup in the sink. You stood to wash your own empty cup, handing it to Maria’s outstretched hand but made no movement back towards your seat. “So,” you said slowly, not wanting to let your true intentions out so quickly, “Any word lately from Frank?”

“Why do you ask?” Maria asked, her own voice mirroring your tone. An eyebrow raised, she glanced at you suspiciously. “Just wondering,” you said a little too quickly, “The holidays are coming up, I’m sure they’re missing home.” 

“They’re?” Maria repeated, now fully looking at you. You felt yourself inched slowly away from Maria, who was now leaning against the counter, arms crossed over her chest as she looked at you through a narrowed gaze. “Frank and… Billy and the rest of the good people who risk their lives for the sak-” you blurt before Maria cut in. “You bitch!” she cried, her eyes wide as she caught Billy’s name. “Language!” Frank Jr.’s voice shouted from down the hall upon catching his mother’s curse. 

Maria rolled her eyes before turning her attention back to you, “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” You shrugged, playing it off like you didn’t know exactly what she was talking about. “Come on,” Maria said, looking at you expectantly. After a solid minute of silent back and forth, you finally sighed in defeat. “We kissed after the party you guys had over the summer,” you said in a low voice, not wanting Frank Jr. to overhear. “Oh my god,” Maria cried, throwing her hands up, “I know that!” 

You scoffed, knowing Lisa probably spilled the beans the second she saw Billy’s lips brush over your cheek during that Sunday morning breakfast that seemed so long ago. “So then what?” you asked. “That’s what I’m trying to find out, Y/N!” Maria said. 

“There’s really nothing to say other than that,” you explained, “It’s not like he asked me to see him off or write him long, sappy letters.” “Oh, but you should,” Maria said, suddenly moving to place her hands on your shoulders, “You so should.” 

“Geez Maria,” you said as you placed your hands on top of hers, “I so should not be getting into whatever this is. It’s so hard for you and Frank and you guys are so… so solid! Me and Billy? We’re just a few weeks of kisses and back and forth flirting.” 

“Y/N,” Maria started, her voice so firm that you probably would have agreed to almost anything she was about to say, “It’s hard. It’s so hard. It’s so unbelievably difficult. But it’s so worth it. Billy is worth it.” She turned squeezed your shoulders before sliding her hands from under your grip, the softness in her eyes so different from the firmness of her tone but that was Maria for you. 

“Here,” she said, moving away from you to rummage through a kitchen drawer, “We’re going to send Frank a care package, and we always send Billy stuff, too. You should write him a letter.” “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea,” you said nervously, placing one hand on the kitchen counter to steady yourself.

“I promise I won’t read it,” Maria said, holding up the sheets of notebook paper and pen she had managed to find. You took what she was handing out to you, albeit hesitantly. She also found an envelope and put it on the counter next to you, giving you another reassuring look, “Look, Y/N. I can’t tell you what to do. I’m not even going to lie and say that I don’t want this to happen, you and Billy. Because I do. But, I saw the way you were glowing when the two of you were together. You were happy. You deserve to give this a shot, you deserve a chance at happiness.” 

“You should be a motivational speaker, Maria,” you muttered, mustering up a smile to offer in return for her pep talk. “Yeah,” she replied sarcastically, “Once the kids turn 18 and I can quit my day job.” You giggled as Maria slipped past you, giving you privacy to ‘shoot your shot’ according to her.

Dear Billy,

I’m really only writing this because Maria is making me. I mean- I wanted to write to you, but I wasn’t really sure if that’s something you would have liked me to do. I tend to hold myself back a lot because of that. 

But here I am, shooting my shot through the lost art of letter writing as Maria likes to say, the first part at least. By the way, she knows about our… practicing. Lisa is a snitch. Totally not to be trusted.

Things here are pretty normal. Normal as can be. Work is work, and I spend a lot of time with Maria and the kids. I really should get friends my own age. Ha. Well, Maria isn’t that much older than me, but don’t tell her I said that. We’re both 29 until we die. 

The holidays are coming up, Halloween was fun with the kids. Frank Jr. wanted to be a soldier, but he didn’t because Lisa said it wasn’t just a costume, it was something bigger. She’s definitely Frank’s kid. They ended up going as Ghostbusters. And getting their candy confiscated for fighting on November 1st. Yep, definitely Frank’s kids.

I’m probably going to spend Thanksgiving with them. With Frank gone, Maria needs me. The kids like having me here, or maybe it’s just that I make a decent pecan pie. Wish you were here. And Frank too. 

I’ve never really had someone to miss, but I do miss you. Is that cool with you?

Love, Best,

Y/N

And that was that. You folded up the single sheet of paper neatly and slid it into the envelope, sifting through the kitchen drawer Maria had gone through before to find some tape to seal the envelope shut. “Don’t trust my mom?” Lisa called out, drawing your attention to her figure standing by the door. She looked so much like her mom, arms crossed over her chest, but that smile was all Frank. “I honestly don’t trust anyone in House Castle with anything other than my life,” you replied back matter-of-factly. “Good call,” Lisa said with a knowing smile, walking over to lean against the counter near you as you carefully wrote out Billy’s name on the envelope. “I think he’ll write back,” Lisa said simply. You were taken aback by her tone, you blamed the black and whiteness in her perspective on her age. It seemed so simple to kids, kiss a guy and bam, you’re together. It wasn’t as simple as that. Was it?

“You think?” you murmured, your fingers running over the corners of the envelope, still doubting whether you were doing the right thing. “He’d be stupid not to,�� Lisa replied, giving you a shrug as if that were that. This time, you weren’t bothered by the plainness of her tone, but instead felt a surge of warmth spreading in your heart, highlighted optimism. “Right,” you repeated with a smile, “He’d be stupid not to.”

Turns out, Billy Russo was not an idiot. He did write back. The letter came, taped up, in the same envelope as one of Frank’s letters. “I didn’t know my husband knew how to write a letter,” Maria had joked, slipping the letter to you after brunch a week after Thanksgiving, “Turns out, Billy was the one who pushed him to it. Something about the lost art of letter writing.” 

You were so giddy, you ended up walking over to a nearby coffee shop. You were too afraid you’d be unable to wait until you got home to open the letter, so ten minutes after parting ways with Maria, you were settled at a corner table in a small coffee shop with a hot mocha and Billy’s letter.

Hey Y/N,

Cool opening. Much chiller than yours, you noted.

I already thought I shot my shot with you, but I guess kissing you wasn’t a clear enough hint that I like you? And Lisa wouldn’t have told if you had bribed her the way I do, but that’s a secret that stays with me. You’ll have to find your own way with Lisa. She’s a smart kid.

I’d say that things are normal here too, but there’s nothing normal about being out here. It’s normal for me, but I don’t think anybody else can understand that. And that’s alright, y’know? 

God, I do miss pie. Make me some when I get back, will you? It’s the food I miss, the food and the beer. And Maria and the kids, of course. And you. Is that weird?

I guess not. Frank misses Maria. I think I miss you like that. So, it’s fine by me if you miss me. If you want to miss me via e-mail so I can miss you even faster, that’s also fine by me. Hear from you soon, yeah?

Billy

He even closed out his letters in a cool way! You mentally cursed yourself for crossing out that damn love you had written, hoping he hadn’t been able to make out your mistake. After you moved on past your embarrassment, you quickly typed in the email address he had written on the bottom of the letter, typing out a quick message to him.

You nearly pressed sent too, but you held back, finger hovering over the send button. 

Hey Billy! Y/N here, as you can probably see as my e-mail address is my first and last name put together. Good point, we should be living in the 21st century and using e-mail. Then again, in the age of texting, e-mail writing is also a lost art of sorts. 

And I know what you mean. I just like knowing that you’re well, as well as you can be. I’d like you to come home in one piece, if that’s not too much to ask.

Also, will you tell me your Lisa taming secret for $1 million? 

You sighed, wondering if the rules of courtship applied to whatever this was with you and Billy. Twenty long mocha-sipping, barista probably thinks you’re crazy minutes later, you finally hit send. You figured he wouldn’t see the e-mail that quickly anyway, and that rules weren’t real and meant nothing. Just as quickly, you checked your sent folder to see if it had in fact really sent and thanks to the blessing of wireless internet, the e-mail had in fact sent. You then began refreshing your e-mail on your phone, sitting with the strange anticipation of a reply. Another five minutes of that, and you finally headed out to your car after no reply came, dialing Maria’s number at the same time.

“Of course there’s no reply,” Maria’s voice called out over the phone, “You just sent the damn e-mail, Y/N!” “I know,” you whined back, signalling your turn before slumping in the driver’s seat of your car. “Now I want to know what he wrote,” Maria commented offhandedly, and you imagined her leaning over her kitchen counter to stare out the window as she talked you down over the phone. “Over my dead body,” you muttered, to which Maria laughed out loud. “Just hold on, Y/N,” she assured you, “Just hold on.”

Maria was right. Well, she usually almost always was. Billy’s reply came a few days later, and you had practically jumped out of your office chair while at work when the notification popped up.

I’ll try and come back in one piece, but no guarantees. Also, when was e-mail writing ever an art? I thought it was always something painful adults had to do. Even thinking of the word “regards” makes me sick.

Tell me more about how things are for you, work, friends, anything. I want to know more about you.

And I would not sell you my Lisa taming secret for all the money in the world.

You bit back a smile, hoping that no one around the office was looking at you grinning at your phone screen like an idiot. Sure enough, no one was and you reread Billy’s e-mail several times over. And you couldn’t help but smile every time you did.

Over the next weeks, you and Billy e-mailed back and forth with an occasional Skype call in between. The first time you saw him on a screen was when Maria was Skyping with Frank and Billy popped in the background while you were saying hi to Frank. 

“Hey stranger!” Billy called, the image of him grainy but sure enough, it was him. “Hey!” you called, your voice immediately brighter than it was a second ago and you caught Maria and Frank giving each other a look. “We can go, y’know, if the two of you want some privacy?” Frank teased as Maria snickered. “Real mature,” you muttered, playfully smacking Maria’s shoulder.

The next time Billy e-mailed you, he gave his Skype ID so that the two of you could talk sans Castle intrusion. 

“Hey you!” you called, seated on the floor of your living room as your laptop rested on your coffee table. You had a cozy sweater on, keeping you warm in the midst of the rainstorm outside. It had been pouring for days nonstop, and while it meant no snow to shovel, it was hardly weather to match the cheery-ness of the holiday season.

“Hey sweetheart,” Billy replied, his lips moving in the video a second before the sound processed but you didn’t care. This was the next best thing to having him there. “How was that office Christmas party?” Billy asked, referencing an awful Secret Santa you had been to just two days earlier. “I got a nice set of hot pink oven mitts from this lady in accounting,” you bragged, your eyes wide in exaggeration. Billy laughed and the sound was truly music to your ears, “Hold onto those for me. They sound like they’re just my style.” “Yeah,” you muttered, “And I’ll get you those eyelashes you can put on your car, too.” Billy shook his head at you, unable to push back the smile from his face.

“It’s weird, y’know?” he said suddenly, shifting a bit in his seat. It caught you by surprise, you were telling him about the presents at the party that were so bad that they were good, and the smile dropped from his lips as he spoke. “Secret Santa?” you asked slowly, confused at the sudden change. “No,” he said, shaking his head. “I’ve never had anybody like this to talk to,” he said, hands moving to gesture towards the camera. “Mari-” you began before he cut in. “Nah,” he shook his head, “Not like that. Someone who’s mine.” A silence came over you, the weight of his words hanging in the air as you looked at him at the screen. You thought for a second the screen froze, but Billy blinked his eyes. “Did it freeze?” he said softly, after you hadn’t responded or moved. You shook your head, slowly at first. The sound of the heavy rain against your window were a tell-tale sign, but you weren’t sure of what to say at first. “No,” you replied back, just as softly. “I’m sorry, Y/N,” he said, the regret apparent in his eyes, “I didn’t me-” You cut in, “No, I want you to mean it like that, Billy. I want to be somebody for you. I just didn’t know how you felt, and I’m too afraid I’ll overstep something, some kind of boundary…” Billy laughed softly, the skin around his eyes crinkling up the way it did when he really smiled, “You’re an idiot. You and me both. We let dumb shit like this hold us back.” You couldn’t help but mirror his laugh, the tension sliding off your shoulders, even as the storm didn’t let up outside, “No more dumb shit.” “No more,” he repeated, “Just us.” For the first time since that kiss the night of the party at the Castle’s home, you felt at peace. The sound of the rain was now comforting, the pitter-patter against your window now soothing you as you smiled at Billy’s image on the screen. “Just us,” you said softly, “Us.”

[glassedcoffin-blog]

     tbh @ people who get pissy when their partners don’t reply right away remember this before you complain: i started writing with a very lovely person in fall of 2015. we met on omegle and wrote through email threads. they would reply only once a day and let me tell you every time they replied i got so fucking happy

     and then later it came to where they only replied once a week. once a week, my friends. don’t let me forget to mention that i still talk with this person for nearly two years after us meeting. in our threads, little time has passed but i can promise you that i have never had a better rp experience than i have had with this person. ever. i’ve never had a thread i’ve loved more and i still think about it daily. i’m just saying that there is no reason to think of someone less just because they’re a slow replyer.

[jul-bilant]

Prince!Seungcheol

prince seungcheol

he was always the buzz around the whole kingdom *i mean y wouldnt he?? have you sEEN the guy????*

he’s always going around town, supervising incase any dumbass decided to sell drugs around the block or smth

(he once caught one and he didnt kno seungcheol was the prince and offered him marijuana and got arrested bc of tht and bc seungcheol got offended lmao)

and whenever he passes by, theres always gonna be some thirstyass girls staring at him like

“oMF SAMANTHA ITS PRINCE SEUNGCHEOL”

“SHUT UP JESS HE’S GONNA HEAR YOU DIMWIT”

or like

*runs up to him* “cAN I BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND??”

and tbh seungcheol just deadass rejects her but like,,, politely bc pRINCE MANNERS

and thats why he has two bodyguards with him at all times outside the palace now

anyways;;; prince seungcheol’s rlly rlly rLLY polite and well-mannered

he’s also a smart boi like

8 yr old seungcheol can solve 10th grade algebra, write a whole 10+ paged essay abt cytology and find the cure for cancer

kidding lol *nOT*

but srsly, this boi is smarter than yo algebra teachers like bi h

and he’s also sort of leader-like, so people already know he’ll be a great king one day

but he also has a kind heart and cares for everyone he loves and the whole kingdom

a 5 yr old girl once tripped over a rock infront of him and he took her to a bench, bought a bandage and aided her scraped knee ;-;

you can tell im soft for seungcheol hhhh

anyways, he’s been stressing out for a while because his coronation as king is nearing and it’s in a few months since his father died a year ago

and he needs to find a suitable partner

thats where you come in

you’re a maid in the palace

the maids have a thing where they check on seungcheol every two or three hours to see if he’s hungry, needs smth, or anything like tht

and this time, you were assigned to check on him

tbh you’ve never been assigned because it’s always the head maid that checks on him or that one maid thats always been the head maid’s fave

but not today

it was 10 pm and you went to see if seungcheol needed anything so you go to his study room

but before you knock, you hear something from inside his study room

it sounds like crying

and you know for a fact that thats seungcheol’s voice thats crying

you were at a loss of what to do, so it took you a while to do anything, but you decided to go down and tell the chefs that he was hungry just so you could bring him his favourite food to cheer him up

when you went back to the study room, you knocked

but he didn’t answer

it was quiet now, no more sobbing

so you opened the door

and saw seungcheol with his head down on the desk

you quietly wheeled the food towards his study table and put the tray on the other desk near the couch

you carefully approached seungcheol out of curiosity

his cheeks were stained with dried tears, but other than that, he still looked as handsome as ever

you grew concerned and took of the blankets from the bigass closet near the prince’s room and draped it over him

i mean, you were already there so why not lol

the next morning, seungcheol awoke to the smell food and a blanket around him

he grew confused but shrugged it off, he expected one of the maids to do these things

but he smiled knowing someone cares

meanwhile, the head maid came up to you and told you that you’ll be the maid who’ll regularly check up on seungcheol from now on since she was, quote-on-quote, “busy”, and her favourite maid had to retire for god knows what

you didn’t know why but you felt a sense of happiness and anxiety at the same time

so in the afternoon, you go to check on seungcheol as he’s in the study room, sorting out papers

when you enter the room after knocking, seungcheol kinda stares at you

not in the bad, offending way, nah m8

but like

‘holy shit this woman looks better than a grilled cheese sandwich’

which roughly translates to “prince seungcheol is making googly-eyes at maid y/n” ty v much

and he blushed a bit but hid it well when you approached him

“good afternoon, prince seungcheol.. i am maid y/n, i’ll be the new maid who’ll check on you from time to time from now on..” you inform him

he smiles

s m i l  e s

“thank you for informing me, miss y/n,” he replied

“may i ask you a small favor?”

you were like

‘w8 boi whut-’

but you just replied with an “ok”

“please tell the maid who draped a blanket over me and brought me food last night 'thank you’, and tell her it’s from me.” he smiled

you contemplated on telling him whether or not it was you,

which would be odd for other people, since they would of cOURSE take the chance and say that they did

but you had a sense of not taking credibility in most cases bc you like being humble and shiet so you nod and telling him you’ll inform her

“thank you, it means a lot to me..” seungcheol smiles

a few months after, you hear his royal adviser, which no one rlly likes tbh (tht includes seungcheol), scolding him because he has yet to find a partner

so you go check on him in his bedroom after knocking, and he let you in

you two had, undoubtedly, grown close

which is weird bc he doesnt really make friends w/ workers in the palace, much less be best friends with them

but thats what happened

he basically tells you everything from his dreams, to when his father passed, to how his cat scratched the curtain of the theatre room and etc.

so naturally, you started liking him

but of course, why’d the prince like a maid like you????

yall were just best friends

(like any other ff pfft)

you sat down on his bed, a concerned look on your face as he was on the verge of tears

“whats wrong?” you asked, even if you already knew what dampened his mood

“Mr. Song is pressuring me into getting married again, but this time he told me other things..”

you watch as a tear or two falls from his eyes

its really painful to watch him cry

“its okay… you dont have to tell me if you dont want to..” you reassured seungcheol but he just shakes his head

“no.. i think you deserve to know”

and he told you about how his adviser called him a worthless prince for not being able to even court a girl, telling him that if he was this indecisive, the kingdom would fall, and other hurtful things like that

at this point, he was crying the whole waterfall somewhere in the deep woods near the kingdom

“cheol.. i’m sorry you had to endure that…”

without thinking, you gently pulled him into your arms, pulling him into a warm hug

both of you were surprised, but didn’t waver away from the hug

for a second you thought 'omf why the fu c  k did i do that’

but you just shook the thought away, telling yourself that your best friend is in emotional pain and you did that for moral support

(which wasnt the only reason but you wanted to deny the others hhh)

but seungcheol on the other hand was lo si  n g his shit

on the inside, of course

he’s like 'omg omg omg she’s hugging me mOM-’

but thats where it dawned on him

he likes you

the next day, you knocked on the door of his study room

but it was silent, just like that one night when he cried himself to sleep

so you opened the door,

but he wasnt there

you panicked a little, thinking about where on palace grounds he couldve gone to

so you checked his bedroom, the kitchen, the theatre room, the throne room, the royal gardens, everywhere

but aside from finding his cat scratching the theatre room curtains, they were all empty

you asked the head maid where he was and she answered you with a shocked expression before replying

“you mean to tell me you didn’t know he was in the neighboring kingdom, meeting up with his arranged fiancee?”

fiancee

arranged or not, it still hurt to know that he was with the woman who he was going to marry

and that was not you

the head maid gave you the day off, since seungcheol wasnt here for the day

you dressed casually, a white, plain, sleeveless dress that goes to your knees, instead of the regular, convervative, longsleeved maid uniform you were obliged to wear when you had work

you took a walk around the palace grounds, eventaully stopping when you reach the rooftop balcony

the moon was already making an appearance, the night ready to take over the sky

you stay there for the time being, finding the night sky, stars and a few blobs of clouds enticing to the human eye

moments later, you find yourself holding back tears

you let out a few stray tears drip down your cheeks as you sniff, not bothering to wipe them away

you were surprised when a blanket was wrapped around you, and a familiar pair of arms pulling into a hug

“its cold, you shouldn’t be out here at this ti- ….why are you crying?” you heard him voice out the last part in a soft whisper, contrasting his normal tone of speech like how he talked a few moments ago

“n-nothing… its dumb..” you tell him, dismissively

but he wasnt having it

“come on, i’ll listen to you.. tell me whats bothering you to the point where you’re crying..” seungcheol wiped a few of your tears away

“i’ll be fine, cheol.. and.. aren’t you supposed to be in the neighboring kingdom until tomorrow?..” you asked

“yes.. but there was no reason to stay if i rejected the marriage.”

what

w h a  t

“you- what?!” you turned to him, dumbfounded

he chuckled

“yeah, i rejected the marriage. i have my eyes on another girl..” he confessed, not breaking the eye contact you both shared

“…quite literally..” he grinned

“she was there for me through everything, comforted me at the toughest of times, and brought me food and a blanket when i fell asleep at my study room..”

so he knew

you blushed, knowing exactly what he meant

he approached you slowly, and once he had you in his field of reach, he cupped your face and pulled you closer to him

“would you…” he paused

“…marry me?”

you smiled a gentle, assuring smile

“..of course.”

and in a fit of smiles and small laughs, seungcheol kissed you

[cicinicole-14]

coco’s college story

I just need to vent and get things off my chest. this is going to be quite long, and I’m going to add more to this, but we’re starting a new segment on this blog called #coco’s college story. I’m going to get personal and real and you don’t have to read, but I just need to write it all out. feel free to come talk if you feel inclined to. and since this will be long, I’ll put it under the cut. lets hope everything is spelled right...

college really sucks sometimes. I’m really stressed out from it and I have no idea what to do or what I am doing. 

I’m going to start at the beginning, or try to at least. which, brings me to grade 11. I think this is really where it started. everyone was starting to take the ACT/SAT (American standardized tests required for most college admittance) and I hadn’t even begun to think where I truly wanted to go for college. yet some kids in my class had already started applying wtf. all I thought I knew was that a. I wanted to go out of state and b. I wanted to go far from home and c. I wanted to be a doctor. 

summer of 2016 (summer after I finished 11th grade) I was in Virginia visiting my best friend Autumn (she plays a huge role in this). Autumn is 6 months older than me and would be at this time starting her first semester at GMU in the fall of 2016. so she asked me where I wanted to go to school. my reply? “haha that’s a great question!!! I have no fucking clue.” (literally word for word) and she was like “apply to GMU!!!” and I was like, “dude, Noah fence but you’re going there to be a hISTORY major and I literally slept thru that class for all of middle and high school. nah fam” and she’s like “yeah, but they have a great science program and then you can go to Hopkins after.” so I was like ok maybe. so I did what everyone does best: listed my pros and cons

pros: 

going to school w/ bff since age 3

1,025 miles from home and from my mother* 

good science program so I can be a dr?? 

location wise: gr8 bc autumn’s fam lived 2hrs north and my stepsister (who I’m close with) lived 2hrs NE and its a 2hr plane ride home to florida

cons: 

is hella expensive**

1,025 miles from home 

current number of people I know going to this school: 1 (and pls note: I hate doing things alone even tho I love to be alone. idk how to explain this but like like I enjoy being alone but I don’t like being alone. I know some of y’all understand this?)

leaving friends I have in florida

tbh, the pros outweighed the cons and I applied to GMU and I was accepted. (I applied to other schools and got accepted to one and denied at another because they closed the program I was applying for but I can assure u had they not, I would’ve gotten accepted)anyway, I took my ACT in October of 2016 and got accepted to gmu in December of 2016. I think that’s really when the stress started kicking in, because while I was happy to be accepted to my dream school, I had a lot of emotions I wasn’t ready for and then later on experienced them. 

2017 started off decently. I went into the second semester of senior year knowing I was accepted and 100% planning on going to my dream school, ready for a new future, ready to leave Florida, excited about going to Italy that march with my class etc… 

but it also brought hard times because I ended my friendship with one of my best friends in the whole world: olivia. we were inseparable and had been for 8 years and knew each other for 13 years. it was seriously really hard, especially because not only was I close to her, I was close with her mom, little brother, big sister, niece and nephews. it really sucked. 

and, I had the daunting task of telling my mother I was going to Virginia for college. 

now, as some of you may know, my relationship with my mother is very strained. and whenever I refer to my “parents” on Tumblr, I’m talking about my dad and stepmom, because I always refer to my mom (as mother) separately. and add to the fact, my mother flipped out on autumn’s mom a few years ago and told them to never speak to me again. so, since I was 12 years old, my mom has had no idea I’ve kept in touch with autumn and still has no idea I go to school with autumn. (my dad and stepmom love her family and her and see no problem with them same as me and she’s my best friend and my mother has issues we will not be addressing rn) anyway, so I didn’t tell my mother I got accepted to GMU until April of 2017. (mind you, I found out mid-december and my dad found out when I got the email because I made Claudia stop the car before we headed to a Christmas party lol) and so I told my mom in April that I was going to GMU and she asked me if autumn went there and I lied right thru my teeth and told her I had no fucking clue because we weren’t friends, remember? and that was one big thing that really started the stressing because a. I didn’t have olivia there as my bff to help me thru the stressful time, and b. I so badly wanted my mother to be happy for me but I knew deep down she really wasn’t because she also flipped out a bit and was like “wtf ur going to college? u leave in august?” and I was like yeah, what did you expect me to do?” and honestly, she was angry about it, but I was an adult, its my life and she had no say in where or whether or not I was going to college. 

so, fast forward to college. idk how chronological this will be so we’re just going to list some stressors I’ve had with college. 

it’s 1,025 miles away from home

I grew up in a town in Florida, in the same neighborhood I was brought home from the hospital in (I almost said same house, but I moved down the street long story…) I went to a preschool from ages 2-4 and then started elementary and middle school ages 5-13 at one school and then half of my eight grade class went to my high school. and I was there for four years. these people were family. out of the 7 people who went to high school with me, 4 I knew since kindergarten, one I knew since fifth grade and the other since sixth and the last one was me. and I made two friends (chelsey and Claudia) in ninth grade who are my sisters. I love them both so much. I would talk thru fire for them (and autumn, Robyn and belle ofc but we’re talking about my friends at home) anyway, I grew up there. Florida is my home. I like small places. I lived in a kinda small city in my two bedroom condo with my parents and doggo and I had neighbors who I’d known most of my life. my whole family was in Florida basically, minus my aunt (dad’s sister who we visit in NY or she’d visit us).

I was leaving my friends

I went from seeing Claudia every day in school, and once every two weeks during the summer or a few times a week because of our movie dates lol, and chelsey who graduated the year before me and lived an hour away from me at home, made it a point to still come to my school to see me and sleep over at my house, and then during the summer she came over once a week and stayed over. I saw them all the time. we’re three peas in a pod. I saw them a lot. and I only have 5 really close friends. friends I would walk thru fire for, and trust with my life. mentioned above: Claudia, chelsey, autumn, Robyn and belle. and we all have different relationships. autumn moved away when I was 11 and I coped with that in middle school (another dark time in my life) and I learned to live with that. Robyn and belle I met over Tumblr, so I’d never entertained the prospect of seeing them regularly. (tho Robyn and I have kinda made a pact of visiting each other during the summer and thus every other summer I get to see belle when Its my turn to visit Canada) but chelsey and claudia? I saw them a lot, and I hadn’t had to cope with a friend, who I saw a lot and was inseparable with, be away from me for a huge long period of time in a long time (age 11). and to add to the fact, both chelsey and Claude go to school at home and they became close with my family too so like idk it all just kinda fell apart 

I get really homesick/leaving my parents and dog

this one wasn’t as bad solely because, I left home august 2nd. I was traveling by myself most of this month. I saw my parents at the end of the month when they held me move in for college. then, I got a surprise visit from them and my doggo in September because they drove up to my sister’s house 2 hrs from my school to escape the hurricane that was to hit Florida (bless, my house was fine). then I saw them again in October, because my sister got married!!! and thanksgiving I saw them again, November, because ofc its thanksgiving ill see them, even though it flew by. and now here, its December and I’m going home for a month. so I’ll see them thru January. and then lbr, because my dad works in Maryland a lot, he’s probably gong to be up north most of 2018 too and he vowed to visit me when he could because he’s a mush and misses his kid even if he denies it. also, the homesickness; I don’t like being away from people/be by myself in a house for an extended period of time, but I kinda built up my tolerance because my dad travels a lot and I have speration anxiety from it (he travelled all my life and I was left with my mother for a lot of it so stress but I built up a tolerance for it when I was like 15 and my homesickness started getting better from then on out) and like I did really well when I spent 8 days in Italy without my parents etc which I only had 1 tiny little freak out and Claudia helped me thru it and was proud at the fact that I only had one like 2 days in to the trip and was fine after that. 

my life plan

holy f u c k. ever hear the saying like “you plan and god laughs”? well, holy fuck, it can’t be more true. I don’t care what god or thing you believe in, its fucking true. I’m a planner. not a detailed one, but its a rough outline, I have a plan of my life, roughly outlined; its got a few bullet points mainly looking like this:

my life:

go to college out of state

make money

be a doctor in the nicu

be a mom/foster/adopt kids

own lotsa pets

have enough money to build my own house

were going to focus on the “be a doctor” point. because this is where everything got fucked. 

since I was five years old, five. I wanted to be a doctor. since that age, I narrowed down the specifics and specialty etc. I picked out what school I wanted to go to for medical school and whatnot. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five fucking years old. 

college has since changed that plan...

about a month into school this semester, I changed my major of–––biology degree> medical school> be a doctor to uh, now I’m currently in the pre-nursing (BsN) program at my college (and I’m minoring in photography, but that I knew about and hasn’t changed). I remember this day very clearly when I decided. it was a Monday. idk the date, but it was Monday and I was sitting in the JC (the main campus building) with autumn eating food and I was like “I’m having a crisis and I want to change my major to nursing” and so then I called my dad and told him I was going to do it. thankfully my while family was very supportive (minus my mother I have not talked to her since September[?]***)

so that happened, and threw me for a loop. 

college is just extremely different in general.

I really don’t even know how else to categorize this. so here are just random things. 

professors are weird. all of them. no matter their age: which this ranges too because I have some that are like two coughs away from dying and others who are literally only like 5 years older than me… fucking weird. 

your syllabus is your fucking roadmap. don’t fucking lose it. 

nothing ever gets graded at a decent time. I literally got two papers back without grades on them and they aren’t online either but the prof said that they’re recorded in the gradebook he has so like????

I grew up going to private christian schools since I was 2… which means no cussing in class and wearing a uniform and your parents drive you to school, we don’t have busses. 

college: no dress code. I wore pj’s (with jack skellington on them) to class and Christmas and halloween printed leggings and hoodies with just a bra underneath and fucking whatever the hell I wanted to class, strapless/sleeveless dresses, whatever. my professors cusses in classes/lectures. I was taken back by this at first. but thoroughly loved the chillness and laid-backness that classes had tho because I could say whatever I wanted (vulgarity wise). and I now blame my worsening swearing habit on college because I’m not in christian private school or nannying 3x a week anymore so I haven’t needed to curb my language… walking…everywhere… I live on campus in a dorm without a car (autumn has one but we really only use it to run errands on Fridays) and damn that was a shock. because while yes, I lived in a smallish city and there was a Walmart and dollar store close to my house to walk to if I was bored, I didnt really walk much, we drove a lot. because my school was 15 miles away. and like idk nothing wasn’t super close. and now here that I live on campus, my whole life is here. I eat sleep and breathe campus, so I walk everywhere. to all my classes, to get food, well thats basically it because thats all college leaves you time for… 

college is stressful. 

and finally, here are more things that I wasn’t expecting. 

I didn’t realize it was going to be this difficult. Im currently taking 6 classes (16 credits altogether) and out of those 6 classes, I’m currently passing 2 I think? college is fucking hard. it didn’t help that I had a few major major major anxiety attacks and literally disassociated with everything for a week, two different times, plus I got sick with a nasty ass cold, and like idk, just it sucked. I moved 1,025 miles from home and then homesickness an that reality of “I’m living a thousand miles from home by myself” hit me. and I literally know no one here except autumn who I see once a week on Fridays. (because we both have off) and like it killed me. I left my only home I’ve ever known. I moved my whole life here. and I had a shocking realization that yeah, I’m going to Florida during breaks and whatnot, but I left Florida August 2, 2017 and I knew it was for good. I packed up my whole room last summer and knew that when I got on the plane, I wasn’t going to ever be coming back home home for good. I left my keys on the kitchen counter and said goodbye to my room. and yes, its still my room, but it’s been a guest room for the past few months and its not my room anymore. I did move out. and so that hit me too. 

and I’m alone here. I had a mental breakdown one day when I was texting chelsey and Claudia and all I really wanted was a hug from them but they’re a thousand miles away and couldn’t give me one, so I was stuck crying in the middle of our campus chick-fil-a. and so I texted autumn at 9am on a Thursday and she came in her pj’s and walked across campus to give me a hug so I could hug her, cry on her shoulder and breathe a little easier. 

and while I know this decision to move states away and leave everything I’ve ever known was hard, I know it was the right decision and the best decision I ever made, and the scariest.

I know that because if I went to school at home, I would Never have ended up moving out. I know I needed to experience college dorm life, and living by myself more, and being independent. I know for my health––mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally––it was for the better. mentally: I am able to escape my mother being here where she can’t visit me or I won’t run into her here. physically: I walk everywhere and I’m attempting to eat healthier etc… spiritually: I’ve had a rough time with my faith, but I’m a christian and like autumn helps me a lot with this in strengthening my faith etc etc, (I’m more spiritual than religious) and emotionally: I’ve been able to heal and accept who I am, and I came out as bi to my friends, currently 4/5 of them and all of you guys. its a new zone here and I can live and be free and be me. I don’t have to worry about the people I knew from high school judging me because I’m bi and we went to a christian school etc. I’m who I am here and my decision to move here has helped me grow. 

and also, yeah, I’m stressing currently about my future, but I’m going to take it a day at a time. I’m failing classes right now, but I’ve realized thats because I haven’t been on my A-game. I went thru a major life change, I’ve had a bit of family health issues, I’ve had to deal with a lot of issues and stress surrounding my mother and my relationship with her since starting college, and like a lot more, and so I have decided that while I had a mental breakdown about not making it into the nursing program, I’m going to take it slowly. fuck doing this all “fast and in four years and yada yada”. Its only been one semester, this is a whole new ballgame for me. college is so different from high school. so, I’m going to be better next semester, focus more on my passions, maybe take summer classes, and not pressure myself to be in the nursing program in my 3rd year, take my time. there’s no rush. 

notes:

*– mother and I have a very strained relationship due to her years of mental abuse (and very little but still prevalent physical abuse) towards me. I’ve been trying to get out from under her thumb since I was 10. moved in with my dad when I was 12 but since he travelled for work a lot, I stayed with mother etc until I was about 15 when I stayed with friends or by myself. and so being away from her like this has only brought peace and less fights because I don’t have to see her or talk to her

**– college out of state tuition is hella fucking expensive, but thankfully, my granddad had set aside money for his grandkids (there’s only 2 of us, me and my cousin Kiersten who is out of college now) and has put us thru school (private school) our whole lives. we have been blessed so very graciously with being able to go to any school we chose debt free because our grandpa has it covered no questions asked and truly its the best thing ever because while I grew up not worrying about tuition, I still grew up with a tight family income because mom had a fixed income and then when I moved in with dad, he worked for himself, so he has seasonal work… some months its great, other months were scrounging for the last few dollars to put food on the table… 

***–since moving to college and being out from under my mother’s thumb, I’ve been talking with my parents (again remind u this means dad and stepmom) about me needing to learn to heal and forgive and just live my life and I can’t do that if I keep having my mother call or text me or expect me to visit her etc… I’m an adult. I’m going home this Christmas to tell her that if she wants to be my mother in the long run, she needs to play by my rules, and this is now going to happen my way. I need to cut contact with her for however long. and she’s not to reach out to me. I need to be the one to do it because if she pushes it, our relationship is so strained right now because of her actions, if she attempts anymore, she’s going to lose me forever as her daughter and deep down, we both don’t want that. so I need space and need to learn how to forgive her. and she needs to get help and learn to be a better person herself. she needs to do a lot of things I’m not going to get into here but yeah, basically. 

so that’s it. this was really long and I’m sorry about that. if y’all feel inclined to talk to me about any of this, feel free to do so. I needed to talk through this. I’m probably going to talk about #coco’s college story a bit as my life goes on. I will keep everyone updated. college is stressful, and crazy, and scary and wild and fun and terrifying and a lot of emotions mixed in one

xx cici 

[suqarjae]

barista!jackson || au

jackson wang || barista au

mark || jaebum || jinyoung || youngjae || bambam || yugyeom

flirty charismatic little shit

2728/10 customer service

there's no customer that doesn't smile when he serves them

can make any customer's mood turn positive he just has that effect on people

white button up with black cuffs and collar, sleeves rolled up to his elbows, either wears black slacks or black ripped jeans depends on his mood

switches between black vans and black dress shoes bc it depends on his pants

rarely wears his apron but it's his fault if he spills coffee on his shirt

buys at least one new shirt every month bc he keeps spilling coffee on himself but he tries so hard

excited puppy no matter the weather

he manages to get away with wearing a snapback from time to time

attaches name tag to said snapback

motivates everyone in the cafe

you can't escape his joy

it never ends

struggles to not curse every once in a while when he slips up on orders or spills coffee

likes to flirt with customers

a lot

but seriously he genuinely compliments a lot of the female customers

when they blush and get flustered he finds it adorable and gets all cute and soft for them

if they happen to flirt back then he’ll play along

overall he’s just an amazing worker

quirks and all

he can easily tell if a customer is stressed and will subtly hype them up

they won’t even realise he’s hyped them up until later on

it’s much appreciated in the long run

switches from customer service to making orders every once in a while

mainly stays on customer service bc he spills coffee a lot

he can’t make coffee well under pressure either

he gets too stressed and freezes up bc he doesn’t know what to do

and people yelling at him for freezing up isn’t the way to go either

he also loses patience quickly when it comes to making some specific coffees or teas

lowkey tries to offer healthier options like smoothies and stuffs so he doesn’t have to suffer make coffee

tbh he doesn’t particularly like making coffee but he enjoys the shit out of putting extra whip cream on top of orders and calling them out

he enjoys working there tho

he’s with his friends so he’s p much set

sometimes he forgets he's gotta speak Korean at times and starts speaking Chinese instead

realises this when the customer just stares at him with a "wtf just happened" expression

apologies profusely and continues on

until you came along and replied in Chinese telling him you're pretty sure he's meant to be speaking Korean 

gets all flustered 

when he brings you your order he's a flirty lil shit 

bc you're curious you come back about a fortnight later 

you're dressed up rather nicely and he's pretty much forgotten you 

well the fact that you understand and speak Chinese at least

your face is vaguely familiar to him

he can’t put his finger on where he thinks he might’ve seen you before

he accidentally slips into Chinese to utter "holy shit she's pretty" 

of course you pick up on it 

you get all blushy and when he starts the usual "how may I help you today" in korean 

you take the piss out of it and speak chinese and he takes a minute to process what's going on 

he realises you would've heard what he said just a minute ago 

rare blushy jackson appears

doesn’t just blush but blushes profusely

apologises and can't help but awkwardly smile

you laugh and brush it off 

you keep coming in when he's on cash register or handing out the orders 

flirts straight off the bat 

you return the flirting 

he's shocked at first bc he just didn’t expect it from you but the more often you come in it ends up becoming a thing between you two

co workers tease him about it 

keep telling him to ask you out 

says he doesn't like you like that 

lies 

all lies 

no one starts to realise how bad he’s fallen until he starts zoning out

it’s nothing too bad really

but it starts getting to the point where he’s distracted and not fully into it

like he won’t flirt as much as he used to and he feels kinda awkward when he does

but not when he flirts with you

he feels weird if you don't come in 

you've happened to catch all his shifts in the past and have memorised when he's rostered on just so you can talk to him 

but today you missed his shift 

not intentionally

you came in just as he was about to leave 

should've seen his face 

went from "get me out of here" to "there is an angel standing right before me the hecc--" 

he smiled so wide and almost hugged you 

his shift had been so shit and so stressful 

he was starting to lose it towards the end and you were his comic relief

was about to hug you but stopped himself 

you laughed bc he literally moved to hug you his arms were halfway around you before he stopped himself 

you immediately just hugged him 

he stiffened and then just kinda melted into it 

he was stressed a lot today 

he hugged you really tight and when he pulled away 

goddamn his face was flushed 

he was stuttering and apologising 

you literally just smiled and told him not to worry about it 

you ask him for his phone 

he feels like he knows what you're gonna do but is still kinda confused

hands over his phone 

is ready to grab it again bc there's some shit in his phone he's really embarrassed about 

he's got a lot of soft texts to his mum to make sure she's ok 

he loves her a lot 

is lowkey a momma's boy 

you don't learn this until later

you hand back his phone with your number saved and your name is followed by a bunch of emojis 

he laughs a bit when he sees it 

he steals your phone out of your hand from where you were copying your number from 

puts his number into your phone and hands it back 

saved his name as "the hot guy who works at the cafe" 

you can't stop smiling and he sends you a text 

"you know you're really pretty when you smile" 

and you get even more flustered 

you text him a lot

you text him even while right in front of him as he reluctantly makes you your order

just to piss him off

tho he doesn’t truely get pissed

he just rolls his eyes and smiles

you end up talking daily

been a few times where you’ve actually called each other bc at least one of you is too lazy to type

there’s also been a few nights where you’ve fallen asleep on him or he’s fallen asleep on you

you find it so cute when he does fall asleep in-call

you just hear some really soft snores on his end

and its just so cute wtf

you tease him the next day at work

he gets all shy and embarrassed

there’s been many times when you’ve fallen asleep and haven’t heard him confess exactly how he feels about you

“i love when you smile..it just makes me feel so happy? especially if i made you smile, then i just feel so much better about myself because i was able to make such a beautiful girl smile just by being myself.”

“you’re really cute...you won’t ever hear me say this to your face because i don’t have the balls, but one day i might.”

he’s confessed to a lot while you’re asleep and still on the line

and he had kept it that way until you woke up halfway through one of his mini confession sessions

you stay quiet and let him ramble, you can’t help but smile and feel all warm and fuzzy because he sounds so genuine??

plus his tired voice is probs really hot ngl

you hear him chuckle softly and then stifle a yawn

he was saying goodnight before you stopped him

thanking him for eveything he said about you

he was shocked

“wait how much did you hear??”

you repeat back what he thought he was saying to a sleeping you

the more you repeat the more flustered and blushy he gets

you can’t see his blush but you can imagine it

you spend the next two minutes giggling softly at him bc he’s so cute and adorable when he’s flustered????

he clears his throat which makes you quieten down

he softly asks you out and starts to say “you don’t have to say yes” etc

but you cut him off with an “of course, jackson”

he’s so happy 

the next day you come in and he's got the biggest grin on his face 

he can't stop smiling for the rest of the day 

the younger workers tease him so much 

he just hits them over the head lightly and scolds them jokingly

but if anyone were to ever cause harm to you then you can count on jackson being there to protect you

even if he has to protect you from his own co workers

he’ll make you coffee if you want coffee too btw

if his lady wants it then he’ll get it

even if he spills it 5 times

he will keep going until he succeeds

and that’s a silent promise he’s made to you

when he's handing you your order he always compliments you or winks or smth 

flirts like how he did before but amplified 

starts making more dirty remarks the longer you've been going out with him

you slap him gently and then give him an even dirtier remark 

leaves him flustered and hot under the collar for a good ten minutes at least 

damn he gets teased so much when his co workers notice it 

one day asked to leave early and he was allowed to but not after a shit ton of teasing 

{ caution : nsfw below }

gets to the point where you just have to look at him a certain way and he's gone 

has asked to go on break early to take care of himself 

oops 

once you were waiting for him to finish and he excused himself about 10 minutes before his shift ended to go to the bathroom 

you get a text about a minute later from him

asking you to join him

you subtly slip behind the counter and to the back 

you knock on the door and he drags you in 

picks you up straight away and sits you on the sink

wastes no time

starts massaging your thighs and kissing down your neck

your collarbone is littered with purple bruises by the time he’s finished with you

he positions himself between your thighs and plays with the waistband of your pants before just yanking it down

he traces his fingers ever so slightly over your core which makes you squirm

he’s such a tease??

you almost broke the mirror entirely because he was too eager

no one knew why or how the mirror ended up with a crack or two down the middle

or so they said

;)

[guardianofjunmyeon]

Black Flowers (One-shot)

Pairing: Baekhyun x Reader

Genre: Angst

Description: Baekhyun sees black flowers when he hallucinates. You happen to show up at his mental hospital and look a lot like a girl he once liked in his Chemistry class.

Warning(s): Schizophrenia, Mental illness mentions

A/N: This was a Jongdae fic at first (I like writing Jongdae okay) and I changed it to Baek bc i wrote IGY and didn’t want sad Jongdae with happy Jongdae. So here is sad Baek. This isn’t even romantic, it’s actually just kind of fucked up with slight 2nd person tbh.

They say that you can tell that you’re dreaming or hallucinating when you’re able to pick out the one detail that just isn’t right. The one detail that is abnormal to your everyday life. Some people hear voices of loved ones who’ve died. Others see people casually walking in the street with shoeless feet.

For Baekhyun, it’s black flowers.

He doesn’t always see them, because they’re quite good at hiding themselves during the hallucinations, but when he sees them he knows that what he thinks is real is not.

The first time he had a hallucination he was in his Chemistry class. Everything was going fine until he saw birds flying into the classroom window and nearly breaking the glass entirely. He fell out of his seat and screamed outright, but no one else seemed to see the birds at all.

The black flowers found themselves on his professor’s desk.

He tried to explain to his friends what happened, but they assumed that he was just being his usual joking self. It took him a full 2 weeks to convince them that he wasn’t joking around this time.                                                

The rumors began to spread that Baekhyun was crazy.

Needless to say, after that incident people began to look at him differently and his 2nd year of university sucked.

The second time wasn’t long after the first. He was in the library studying when he saw a huge tarantula crawling up the arm of the girl next to him. He tried to subtly inch away from the beast slowly making its way up the girl’s body, but the girl didn’t seem bothered by it in the least.

He kept his mouth closed and stared at the pen in her hand topped with a black flower eraser. He blinked and the next thing he knew, both the spider and the eraser were gone.

Baekhyun kept this to himself.

For the rest of the year he would see things on and off, and more often than not, he would see some kind of black flower somewhere and then he could snap himself out of it. He just had to find the black flowers.

The visions would come to him at the worst times. While he was in the middle of taking his test, he would see his arm falling off. When he was driving his car, the roads would break apart and fire would erupt from the streets (he tries not to drive thanks to the car accident he got into after that one). If he managed to go on a date, their faces would contort into something gruesome and he’d begun to question whether or not his hallucinations were reality and what he once thought was real was just…one long dream or figment of his imagination.

He was beginning to think that he was genuinely in hell.

At that point, Baekhyun checked himself into a mental hospital.

He couldn’t trust his friends, and although he tried convince them, his family wouldn’t believe what he was saying. Telling everyone that he was taking a year off to travel, Baekhyun went to the one place he could think of where his delusions would be taken seriously.

The first day there he had way too many discussions with doctors for him to even keep up with. They all asked the same questions.

What do you think is wrong?

What are your symptoms?

When did it start?

How often do you get these “visions”?

Do you feel as though they are a threat to your safety?

Although he felt as though they were going to use all of the information against him, he answered as truthfully as he could because he wants to get better, and no one else was going to help him.

He was admitted a few hours after that.

“Byun Baekhyun.” Hearing his name, he looked up. He sees the nurse who comes in to deliver meds to all the other patients with the straight face that he always wears. For someone who is meant to be helping others, nurse Oh never seems very happy. Baekhyun raises his hand, not getting up from his spot near the window.

He knows the nurse hates when he has to do more work than the minimum, and watching the tall boy scowl in annoyance is just enough to entertain him for the day.

He’s handed a paper cup with 3 different pills. One to stop the visions and two to help fight the side effects of the first. They make him tired, and they only work half the time, but he knows that it’s better than nothing. He swallows down the large pills and opens his mouth for the nurse to see that he’s taken them like a non-problematic patient would.

With a grunt, nurse Oh leaves to hand out medication to the others.

It’s been maybe a few months since he got here, he isn’t sure. The routine is so strict that everyday feels the same and he can’t distinguish between the meal he ate yesterday and the meal he ate a week ago.

He gets called into his group session and listens in silence to everyone talk around him. The therapist facilitates the conversations, and Baekhyun tries his hardest to avoid speaking more than necessary. He doesn’t get the point of the sessions. They only make him feel more trapped here. He wonders if the doctors even plan on letting any of them go.

He’s seen plenty of people come in, in the months that he’s been here but he hasn’t seen a single person leave.

“Baekhyun?” he looks for the source of his name. The therapist looks at him from his spot lounged in his seat.

“Yes Mr. Kim?” the therapist sighs exasperatedly while the others in the circle laughs quietly.

“I told you to call me Minseok, Baekhyun,” he says with a tired smile. Baekhyun sets his lips in a line before nodding understandingly.

“Alright Mr. Kim.” The other patients chuckle even louder. Baekhyun fights off his winning grin. He thrives on laughter and stirring up issues. Since the hallucinations started he hadn’t been able to get the reactions he wants out of those at his university.

That’s one of the good things about this center.

His name is called and he grabs the cup with his daily pills from the nurse. He grabs his blanket tightly in his hand and wraps it around his shoulders before perching himself in front of the TV in the common room.

A rerun of some old show is playing, and he only half pays attention to it. His focus is interrupted by the girl sitting on the ground next to one of the windows. She’s got her legs crossed and she’s hunched over scribbling furiously on a page that looks a lot like a children’s coloring book, mumbling angrily under her breath.

He’s never seen her here before.

Her name is called out and she snaps up from her spot to look for who called her, Baekhyun quickly averts his eyes when she looks in his direction. He isn’t sure why he’s afraid to make eye contact with her. It wouldn’t be the weirdest thing that she’d encounter in this place.

One of the nicer nurses is the one she gets her medicine from, nurse Kim but everyone calls him by his name. Jongin. He wonders what must be her issue to be given the nicest of the staff assigned to her.

He tries to tune back in to the television, but finds it all too hard to not ease drop. He keeps his eyes on the TV but tunes into the conversation with his ears.

He hears Jongin say something about her schedule and her group therapy session. She asks what that is. Jongin explains it simply and he can almost hear the smile in his voice. He welcomes her the facility and then there is silence. Baekhyun strains to listen for more of the conversation and frowns annoyed.

“Were you listening in to my conversation?” startled, Baekhyun jumps away from the girl who had managed to sneak up to him.

“Wha- What? Of course not? What kind of person do you think I am?” he asks incredulously.

She tsks and looks at the television. “You were leaning so far towards us that you almost fell off the couch. Not to mention the TV is off and yet you’re focused on it as if you’re watching the news.” Baekhyun opens his mouth to rebut, but when he realizes that he has accidentally turned the television off when he started to lean in their direction, the words die on his tongue.

He settles for a weak, “Sorry.”

She settles on the cushion next to him silently. Swallowing nervously, Baekhyun turns the television back on. “So, what are you in here for?” she asks not even after 3 seconds of mutual silence with the TV on.

“Schizophrenia. Mainly with visual processing abnormalities,” he says as simply as if he was asked his name. He looks at her. “And you?”

“Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and occasional Minor Depressive Disorder,” she replies. She smiles too happily for her words. “Nothing major,” she adds. She snorts out a light laugh at her joke and focuses back on the television after having gotten the information she wanted from him.

He laughs awkwardly beside her and faces the TV as well. “So, what’s your name?”

“What?”

“Your name? You know, the thing people typically call you.”

“Oh, uh Baekhyun.”

“Nice to meet you Baekhyun,” she offers him a genuine smile. Before he can ask, she gives him her name.

And that’s how you and Baekhyun met.

Weeks passed and the two of you get closer and people in the hospital dwindling. You promised that you could help him escape, and he promised to believe you. You’d both seen various patients beginning to disappear with each day and it was setting you both on edge.

Baekhyun hadn’t figured out the pattern yet. He just knew that it was always Dr. Zhang that would come and meet the person, and then at some point they’d go to the back room and never come back. He didn’t know what happened back there, but he knew it wasn’t good. The only way out is through the front door. He’d snuck in and seen the map of the building when Minseok had left his office door open, so he knows.

When Dr. Zhang came to see him for the first time, he knew that he was doomed. No much was said. Dr. Zhang introduced himself with a dimpled smile and an air of fabricated aloofness. Once the doctor was gone, Baekhyun immediately ran to find you.

In whispered voices the two of you began to speculate the reasoning behind the unexplained disappearances. None of the staff seemed to care, and when either of you brought up the name of one of the missing patients, it was as if no one had ever heard of them. You both knew that there was a Park Chanyeol in the building 3 days ago.

It was then that you brought up escape once again. “I promise I know how to get us out of here.”

“You’re bullshitting me aren’t you?”

“I wouldn’t dare.” Your words were steady, and although Baekhyun was hesitant to believe them he believed in you. He knew it was slightly fucked, having a crush in a mental hospital. He was labeled crazy himself, there was no way he should be having gross romantic, and at times not-so-pure thoughts about another “crazy” person.

That didn’t mean he tried too hard to stop himself. It’s hard not falling for the one person that reminds you of normalcy. The one other person who makes you remember that you weren’t always here and labeled a lunatic by others. It’s even harder to not fall for the one other person around who was able to make him smile and dream of life outside of the hospital again.

He had begun to accept his fate as a permanent resident in the god forsaken place.

So, he listened to your plan. One involving the air ducts and distractions like the ones in the movies. He listened, and knew it was…well, crazy.

But he was desperate.

And you wanted to help.

The plan was to be put in action right before dawn. That way you both could get away and have time to gather distance before the sun was fully in the sky.

You left, and Baekhyun was left to his thoughts in his room. If he got out, where would he go? Would his family just take him back? Would the hospital come looking for him? Would he start to hallucinate again?

Could he convince you to stay with him?

Sleep came easily. It was waking up that was problematic. His mind had come to life, but he couldn’t get his body to follow its command. Through his closed lids he knew there were bright lights. He could hear the voices of people around him. Their words foreign to his ears. Until he could pick out 3 that sent a chill down his spine.

Lobotomy.

Serum.

Powers.

“He’s awake,” he hears a male voice say monotonously. “Tighten the restraints.”

His eyes struggled to open and when they finally peeled apart he was blinded by white light and masked faces. His eyes adjusted and he squinted trying to recognize the faces around him. He pulled against the thick belts around his wrist and legs, only realizing there was no way to get out on his own when he felt the restraint around his neck.

Tears sprang to his eyes as panic filled his veins like poison.

“He won’t take the surgery if he’s panicked, give me a minute with him.” You. That was your voice.

“10 minutes,” another male voice says. “This may be your procedure, but we’re still on a schedule.”

“I know Yixing.” Footsteps and mumbling fades as bodies leave the room. You untighten the restraint at his neck and his hands. “Look Baekhyun-”

“Your procedure? You’re a doctor?”

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you. You wouldn’t have…been as open with me if you’d know about what I do,” you explain softly. The first tear rolls down his face, slow and fat. Full of betrayal. He’d trusted you. Told you about himself. Told you things he hadn’t dared told his closest friends back home.

But it made sense. The way you were treated in the hospital. You were given liberties the others didn’t have. They were subtle, but they were there. You only talked to him, and he never once actually saw you go to any group sessions.

But it made sense. You were a doctor.

You were a doctor and you chose to dissect him. And he fell for it.“Why?”

“Why what Baekhyun?”

“Why me?”

You were quiet before answering, and the silence only led to a wave of hysteria hitting him. Tears flowed faster and he wanted to scream, but he couldn’t get the actions to come to the surface. “You’re special…your…your schizophrenia is special. Rare. If explored and unleashed properly then you could do great things.

“I do like you Baekhyun. Really. I...” you glance at the door and let out a heavy sigh. “I shouldn’t do this, but I want to give you a chance.” You make quick work of untying the rest of his restraints and removing all of the equipment attached to his body. Baekhyun lies in confusion as you hastily unplug things. “If you manage to get away then they won’t be able to bring you back legally. I’ll say you escaped. Just, hurry while there’s a bit of time. Don’t ask questions, I’m doing you a favor because I want to give you a chance. That’s it.”

He sits up on the metal table with furrowed brows. His clothes gone, nothing but an indecent hospital gown across his body. You motion to the opposite door of where the doctors vanished; he jumps down from the table. “Go,” you whisper nervously. Hesitant steps and an even more hesitant mind, he leaves the room. You smile at him, and he is almost tempted to stay.

But he doesn’t want to be a science experiment.

Metal doors in a dark hallway lead to a thick door at its narrow end. It takes all his energy to push it open, but he’s welcomed with sunlight as it creaks wide.

His steps quicken to a sprint, and Baekhyun runs towards the woods full of excited relief.

They say that you can tell that you’re dreaming or hallucinating when you’re able to pick out the one detail that just isn’t right. The one detail that is abnormal to your everyday life. Some people hear voices of loved ones who’ve died. Others see people casually walking in the street with shoeless feet.

For Baekhyun, it’s black flowers.

As he runs through the brush of the forest in escape, he fails to miss the trail of blackened flowers behind him. The mental fabrication staring the girl in his old chemistry class fades, along with the rest of the world around him.